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Your Strong-Willed, Out-of-Control Kid Has Control Issues

If you frequently find yourself, as the parent, in power struggles with your teen, here are the developmental fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes that may help you understand why:

fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes
fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes

Aaeni In stage 1 the child’s belief is: “I’m in control only when I am being noticed or served.”

If parent provides fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes for positive attention, the problem usually does not grow. If parent does not provide opportunities for positive attention, the child will get attention by acting-out (negative attention). If the parent gives in to the negative attention OR gets mad and punishes the child for seeking negative attention, the child may stop for a short time, but soon repeats the acting-out behavior and moves on to stage 2.

In stage 2 the child’s belief is: “I’m in control only when I’m the boss, or when I’m proving that no one can boss me.”

If parent withdraws from power struggle, sets firm limits, and takes action without getting angry, the problem usually doesn’t get worse. If parent lets the kid be boss OR fights back in anger, misbehavior continues and gets worse – and the child moves on to stage 3.

In stage 3 the child’s belief is: “I’m in control only by hurting others as I feel hurt.”

If parent sets firm limits, does not take the attacks personally, the problem does not get much worse. If parent gives in, gives up, OR fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes out at the child in anger, misbehavior continues and worsens – and the child may move on to stage 4.

In stage 4 the child’s belief is: “I’m in control only by convincing others not to expect anything from me …I am unable …I am helpless.”

If parent gives up and goes along with the child’s perception that he/she is helpless, weak, and unable, the child’s condition remains.

Act “as if” you, the parent, are not angry! When our fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes is angry, and we react with anger toward his/her anger, the result is anger X 2. It’s like trying to put out a fire with a flame-thrower rather than a water hose – it just makes it worse. As hard as it is to do, we have to respond to our child’s anger with a poker face – show no emotion!

When we react to our child’s anger with more anger, we may get the child to shape up for that moment, but when the next problem comes along, his/her anger will be even worse. We are in a power-struggle then (in other words, his anger is at a level 5 …we respond at a level 5 …the next time, his anger is at a level 6 …we respond with a 6 …the next time his anger is at a 7 …we respond with a 7 …and so on).

If the parent gives in OR fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes out in anger (passive response to kid’s behavior vs. aggressive response), the child progressively gets angrier and angrier. Here’s how this plays out:

1st – Kid wants to frustrate you; forgets to do the things you ask; plays dumb; shows anger by what he doesn’t do; whines and complains a lot.

If you, the parent, respond passively or aggressively — either one — he moves to the next anger-phase.

2nd – Kid ignores you; gives you the silent treatment.

If you respond passively or aggressively, he moves to the next anger-phase.

3rd – He believes there is something wrong with you and he tells you so; he wants you to feel bad ’cause he’s mad; he tells you it’s your fault.

If you respond passively or aggressively, he moves to the next anger-phase.

4th – He uses profanity …shouts …yells.

If you respond passively or aggressively, he moves to the next anger-phase.

5th – He says things like “It’s going to go my way or else I’m running away” …I’ll tear up the house while you’re at work “…I’ll go live with my dad”…I’m going to fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes out of school”…etc.

If you respond passively or aggressively, he moves to the next anger-phase.

6th – Physical violence enters the picture here. This violence may be partially controlled because the kid knows what he is doing, even though later he might claim it was an accident. The kid plans to stop when he gets his way …if the parent gives in, he’ll back off.

Some of the things that may occur in this last stage are destruction of fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes, domestic battery, the cops are called (sometimes by the kid), the parent files incorrigibility charge, the kid may not be conscious of his actions, may become suicidal, or may physically hurt the parent.

In order to end the power struggles, it must be the parent that begins to take charge in a positive way. The most effective step is to simply stop arguing. It sounds easy — just stop arguing — but it takes a lot of discipline and effort to stop. If the parent refuses to participate in the arguments, the power of the out-of-control kid disappears. If you refuse to get sucked into a power struggle, it is no longer an argument, it’s simply a temper tantrum.

fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes
fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes

Mark Huttenlocker, M.A. is a family therapist who fashsionable 3d invisible band mink lashes with parents of strong-willed, out-of-control teens and preteens. If your child is out-of-control and you’re at your wits end, then feel free to use Mark as your own personal parent-coach.

 

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